Only "The Onion" can come up with this...
1. In the event of a tornado, lie down in a ditch. If you are already lying in a ditch, do not attempt to sit up.2. The most important thing is to stay calm. This will be difficult, since you are almost certainly going to die
3. Tornadoes spook easily. Firing a few warning shots into the air is usually enough to scare them off.
4. Live a little, for once: strap yourselv to the roof of you house and rage at the heavens.
5. Prevent tornadoes before they happen: Make sure that warm, moist air fronts do not converge with cool dry ones.
6. During a tornado, the only safe place is in my loving arms. Come here, baby.
7. If a tornado strikes your home, even your basement could be dangerous, so construct a basement for your basement.
8. If you spot a tornado always remember to yell "tornado" and run like hell.
For real safety tips on what to do go here.
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