Only "The Onion" can come up with this...
1. In the event of a tornado, lie down in a ditch. If you are already lying in a ditch, do not attempt to sit up.
2. The most important thing is to stay calm. This will be difficult, since you are almost certainly going to die
3. Tornadoes spook easily. Firing a few warning shots into the air is usually enough to scare them off.
4. Live a little, for once: strap yourselv to the roof of you house and rage at the heavens.
5. Prevent tornadoes before they happen: Make sure that warm, moist air fronts do not converge with cool dry ones.
6. During a tornado, the only safe place is in my loving arms. Come here, baby.
7. If a tornado strikes your home, even your basement could be dangerous, so construct a basement for your basement.
8. If you spot a tornado always remember to yell "tornado" and run like hell.
For real safety tips on what to do go here.